Metal Gear R&R
by Garr
Summary: When Snake and the gang aren't blowing up Metal Gears, idiocy and ignorance ensues. Chapter 6 is up! R for language, sex and violence.
1. Father Son talk

Chapter 1  
  
Raiden comes in the house with a hand full of envelopes and looks at them all. He then gets an angry look on his face and rips them all up. Solidus, wearing his tentacle combat armor, comes out of his bedroom and notices Raiden ripping up the envelopes.  
  
Solidus: What's wrong, Jack the Ripper?  
  
Raiden: Damn government thinks they own ME! After what I did to save the free world, THIS is how they repay me?!?  
  
Solidus picks up a shred of an envelope and sees that it is an electric bill.  
  
Solidus: For Christ's sake, Jack, I was President and I still gotta pay my bills! What a bitch!  
  
Raiden: Easy for you to say. You're a rich guy with lots of money.  
  
Solidus: What happened to that pizza delivery job?  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah, um, about that. . . Dad, can I borrow $20?  
  
Solidus: (looks suspicious) What for?  
  
Raiden: Well, I smelled a funny smell on the way to this house I was delivering to, right? Then all of a sudden, I got real hungry and I ate all the pizza. The manager says he'll kill Olga's child if I don't pay.  
  
Solidus: (groans) Well, Jack the Tripper, this is the last time I'm bailing your ass out of trouble for a long time, you hear me?  
  
Raiden: (gleefully) Thanks, Pop. I'll pay you back as soon as I can.  
  
Solidus: You said that $40000 ago. First, it was a battery for Fortune's rail gun, then a magnetic pocket protector thingy for yourself, now this. (sighs) Seriously, Jack, have you read the paper lately?  
  
Raiden: Paper?  
  
Solidus: Yeah. (grabs newspaper, flips it to classifieds) They're looking for a stripper at this new gay bar, called The Big Fatty Erection. I hear it's pretty popular.  
  
Raiden: (looks disappointed) Well, OK, I guess if it can get me the money. But please don't tell any of the guys. I don't think I'd be able to live it down.  
  
Solidus: (evil grin on his face) Oh no, son, I won't. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Raiden: What's so funny?  
  
Solidus: Not a thing. . . Jack The Stripper! 


	2. Mission Intro

Chapter 2  
  
Meanwhile, at Snake's house, Otacon is playing Counter-Strike and his team is winning. A box slowly moves in, smoking profusely. Otacon sniffs the air for a second, looks behind him and sees the box.  
  
Otacon: Snake, will you cut that out?  
  
No response as Otacon goes back to playing the game. The box moves ever closer to Otacon's seat. Otacon look behind him once more.  
  
Otacon: Snake, that's like, so 1987.com.  
  
Without warning, the box disappears and Snake emerges, wearing only his bandanna and a pair of heart spotted boxers. He then grabs Otacon in a chokehold and drags him away from the game.  
  
Otacon: Ggrrh. . . Snake. . . just let me. . . defuse the bomb. . .  
  
Snake: No way! Let's rassle!  
  
Otacon: Snake! Not yet!  
  
Snake: (releases chokehold) Aww, but you promised. . . It's five after eight, and you're holding out on me!  
  
Otacon: Snake, just give me five more minutes, OK?  
  
Snake: If you don't logoff CS within the next ten seconds, I'm gonna sit here and watch you smoke every last one of my Lucky Strikers! (pulls SOCOM off his back and points it at Otacon) And I ain't kiddin' around this time. . .  
  
Less than a second later, the computer screen goes back to Windows.  
  
Otacon: Ready for action!  
  
Snake: (amazed) How the hell. . .  
  
Just then, Snake receives an incoming call in his Codec. Snake drops to one knee, motioning Otacon to do the same. Snake puts a hand to his ear.  
  
Rose: Snake, I need a favor from you.  
  
Snake: Rose. . . Raiden almost caught us last time. If you're going to ask me for any more favors, make sure he's not on his way home!  
  
Rose: (blushes) Hee hee. Sorry about that.  
  
Otacon looks confused, but continues to listen.  
  
Rose: But as long as we're on the subject, have you heard from him?  
  
Snake: Not really. There's a new gay bar in town. You tried there?  
  
Rose: Snake, that's not like you to know about gay things.  
  
Snake: It is when it CUTS INTO MY FUCKING DIE HARD TIME! God damn, one of these days, I'm getting that on DVD.  
  
Otacon: You said that the last three times it was on. And besides Snake, Raiden isn't gay, he's got a very attractive woman to go home to.  
  
Snake: I should know. . . (Snake and Rose chuckle)  
  
Otacon: Snake, is there something I should know?  
  
Snake: Yeah, I had-hmmm, no, forget it. . .  
  
Otacon: Whaddaya mean "forget it"?  
  
Snake: Just that. Fuhgeddaboudit!  
  
Rose: Yeah, you! What he said! (to Snake) Hey, listen, would you guys check the gay bar for me, just to make sure?  
  
Snake: Rose, that really isn't my scene-  
  
Rose: Pleeeeease? (give Snake the sad puppy eyes look)  
  
Snake: (assertively) Rose, NO, ok? I'm sure that-  
  
Rose: Do this for me and I might have a special surprise for you. (smiles seductively)  
  
Snake: Otacon, let's get out this bitch.  
  
Otacon: (with fear) Snake, what about all the-  
  
Snake: Gays? They usually stick to their own kind. Only gays should want to be with gays. You're not gay, are you?  
  
Otacon: No way! C'mon Snake, I had the fatty for Sniper Wolf, remember? And I had my way with my stepmom!  
  
Rose: (looks shocked) Well. . . Otacon. . . this is definitely news to me.  
  
Snake: (disgusted) God damn, Hal, how many times did I tell you not to bring that up again? (whispers to self) Well, she is a fine piece of ass. . .  
  
Otacon: GET OFF MY BACK! That doesn't count as incest, she's not even my real mom!  
  
Snake: Otacon, if I ever hear you raise your voice at me again, I'll cut your subscription to Hentai Deluxe!  
  
Otacon: You wouldn't!  
  
Rose: Look, just bring him back, OK? I sent him to the store hours ago for a gallon of milk, and I don't think I can take any more of George's war stories.  
  
Otacon: George? You mean Solidus, right?  
  
Rose: Yeah, did you know that he put gunpowder in the food as a control device?  
  
Snake: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I bought a new pepper shaker for that purpose!  
  
Otacon: (scowls at Snake) That could be why my scrambled eggs tasted like crap.  
  
Snake: Uh, sorry about that Otacon, but I always come prepared. Extra on the toluene.  
  
Rose: What for?  
  
Snake: Oh, personal reasons.  
  
Otacon: Snake, what do you mean? Did you sodomize me again?  
  
Snake: How many times do I have to tell you, that was when Raven snuck into your room all shitfaced that one night. No, I do it to get magnum condoms and to boost your self-esteem. By the way, I owe you a twenty spot later.  
  
Otacon: Well, that's all fine and good, but why magnum condoms?  
  
Rose: Just think for a minute, Hal! What would it look like if a scrawny hacker guy came in looking for a pack of large condoms?  
  
Otacon: (thinks quickly) Uhh. . . (I said thinks quickly!) Ohh, ok. I got ya.  
  
Rose: (smiling) You guys are too much. (background noise of electrical surge and baby crying) Whoops! Gotta go, Quentin's stuck his finger in the electrical socket again. See you guys later. (to Quentin) Do you know how much that electricity costs?! ANSWER ME!  
  
The transmission is cut. Snake goes to his room and gets dressed into his Sneaking Suit. All of his pockets are bulging. The faint outline of an M4 can be seen.  
  
Otacon: What are you gonna need that for? We're just going out for a while.  
  
Snake: Yeah, but there are those who are only going out for a while and they never come back!  
  
Otacon: You're just being paranoid.  
  
Snake: I hope so. . .  
  
As the duo attempts to leave through the door, a female voice is heard.  
  
???: Snakey-poo, where ya goin'?  
  
Snake: Meryl, hi. Listen, I gotta run a little errand, OK? I'll be back soon.  
  
Meryl: Oh no you're not mister. Not without me you aren't! (She grabs her Desert Eagle.)  
  
Snake: Do you have any idea what we have to do?  
  
Otacon: Yeah, it's pretty dangerous.  
  
Meryl: Heard the whole thing. Ready to rock!  
  
Snake: That gun's way too powerful for a woman. Here, take my SOCOM.  
  
Meryl: You're too sweet, but I've been psychologically trained to ignore men, remember?  
  
Snake: But you were all over me yesterday, remember?  
  
Meryl: Sorry, flashback from Shadow Moses.  
  
Snake: Speaking of which, don't say you don't want to play anymore. If you're coming, you're stuck with us.  
  
Meryl: Well, as long as I'm with you, Dave.  
  
Snake: We're on a mission right now. Until it's over, call me Snake, OK? (to self) Dumb broad. . . 


	3. Bad Grammar and Crazy Drivers

Chapter 3  
  
Snake and the gang all pile into his old Chevy Silverado. Snake starts driving the truck towards the gay bar.  
  
Snake: Uh oh, the truck have started to move!  
  
Otacon: What are you talking about? Of course it's moving, you're the one driving. And I know it's just us you're with right now, but would you at least use proper grammar when you speak?  
  
Meryl: Leave him alone. If he wants to sound like a moron, let him.  
  
Snake: (scowls) That does it. Remind me to find the guy who wrote the dialogue for the first Metal Gear, so I can shove a dictionary up his ass. It's not my fault, you know. I tried to tell him that it should be, "Uh oh! The truck has started to move!" But OH NO, it just HAD to be his way. (grips steering wheel tighter) He'll pay for his insolence. . .  
  
The truck nearly careens into a bus full of nuns.  
  
Nun: JESUS CHRIST!  
  
Snake fully extends his arm out the window and holds out his middle finger. The bus plows through a group of small children before finally exploding in a pet store. Otacon looks back, shrugs, and looks forward once again.  
  
Meryl: (kisses Snake on the cheek) Calm down, sweetie. The stupid dialogue man probably translated that line literally.  
  
Otacon: Wow, Meryl, I'm impressed. I didn't think you knew about translations. (to audience) For those of the uninformed, back in the late 1980's, 9 out of 10 games came from Japan. Therefore, whoever translated that line must have left it as it was said in Japanese, translated to English. So instead of "Uh oh, the truck has started to move," we get the less intelligent sounding "Uh oh, the truck have started to move." We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.  
  
Snake: Hey, anybody wanna stop by Burger Patriot? I've got the munchies in a serious way.  
  
Otacon: Sounds good to me.  
  
Author's note: No nuns, children or animals were harmed in the production of this story. They never felt it. 


	4. Lunch Time at Burger Patriot

Chapter 4  
  
The truck stops at an old-time burger shop. (You know, the kind that have the roller-skate chicks in those hot uniforms? Yeah, that kind of burger shop.) Snake presses the call button on the menu. A Russian girl skates up to the truck.  
  
Russian girl: Welcome to Burger Patriot, where it's our way or the highway! Can I take your - Snake?  
  
Snake: (excited) You got it, sexy thing, just let me-  
  
Otacon: Snake, for crying out loud, she meant your name!  
  
Snake: You want my name? You can't have it, lady, it's- (looks at girl) Olga Gurlukovich! How ya been, babe? It seems like only yesterday I saw you!  
  
Olga: Yeah, last night, remember?  
  
Meryl: What happened last night, Snake? Did you and Olga do some more recon on the whereabouts of Olga's kid?  
  
Snake: Nah, we went over to her place and drank a bottle of vodka. You know, it's true what they say about those Russians. And Olga here is no exception. She can drink with the best of them!  
  
Olga: If I can outdrink you, then you've got that right.  
  
Snake: (points finger at Olga) First of all, I finished 4 6-packs of Coronas before I saw you, and I hadn't eaten anything all day! I'm on some medication for my throat, that's the only reason!  
  
Olga: Fine. Round two will come soon enough, just wait. In the meantime, what'll it be?  
  
Snake: Gimme a Double Patriot with everything and a Corona.  
  
Olga: (writes down order) Ok, got it. Hal?  
  
Otacon: Let's see. . . I'll take an extra large Mountain Dew, and can you put four pounds of sugar in it, please?  
  
Olga: Four pounds? Are you diabetic or something?  
  
Otacon: Us hackers need to keep in shape. Nothing goes better with hacking than a 64 oz. Mountain Dew with four pounds of sugar in it.  
  
Olga: All right, and Meryl?  
  
Meryl: I want a triple-triple Patriot with some onion rings, two extra large vanilla milkshakes, six supersize French fries, and four orders of chicken strips.  
  
Olga: Okie dokie, be right back with that. (skates off)  
  
Otacon: You decided to blow off that carb-free diet again, huh Meryl?  
  
Snake: Don't worry about her, she's got a good metabolism. That's probably just a snack for her.  
  
Meryl: (hits Snake) You jerk!  
  
???: Hey, calm down in there, you're scaring away the customers!  
  
Everybody looks out the window to find a blonde African-American girl wearing a uniform exactly like Olga's. The name tag reads "Helena."  
  
Snake: Fortune! I didn't know you worked here!  
  
Fortune: What are you guys doing here?  
  
Snake: Well, you see, it's like this. . .  
  
After Snake tells the story of Raiden in the gay bar. . .  
  
Fortune: Wow, this sounds serious. I mean I knew he was gay, but. . . Jeez. . .  
  
Snake: Yeah, I knew it all the time.  
  
Fortune: Well hey, our shift is over in five minutes. You don't mind if Olga and I tag along, do ya?  
  
Snake: No way! We got tons of room back here, hop on in!  
  
And so, Snake and friends finish off their food and get on their way. 


	5. Raiden at The Big Fatty Erection

Chapter 5  
  
Meanwhile, Raiden is downtown, standing outside a large building with a pink neon light in the shape of a penis.  
  
Raiden: Guess this is the place.  
  
As he attempts to enter the building, a large shaman blocks his path.  
  
Big guy: Snakes don't belong in Alaska! I will not let you pass.  
  
Raiden: Alaska? What the hell. . . (looks at man) Hey, you're Vulcan Raven! I remember you from the Shadow Moses VR mission!  
  
Raven: What? Where am I? Who the hell are you, kid?  
  
Raiden: Wow! This is so cool! Can I have your autograph, Mr. Raven?  
  
Raven: Wait a second. . . I know you. You're the guy who ousted Snake for the lead role in MGS2! I was in that, you know.  
  
Raiden: Really? When was this?  
  
The screen fades to a cutscene of Snake walking through a hall. At the end, there is a large Raven shadow.  
  
Raven: When you play as Snake, you pretty much have to see me. I'm right there on the shadow, you see?  
  
Raiden: What a load of crap! That was nothing more than an action figure!  
  
Cutscene switches over to Raiden swimming through B1 of Shell 2 Core.  
  
Raiden: That damn thing was in my scenario too!  
  
Raven: Oh yeah, I asked Hideo if he would fit it in that part too. You'd be surprised how much I earned on royalties on that game!  
  
Raiden: How much?  
  
Raven: Eh, about twenty-five cents per game. That's why I'm stuck here guarding the entrance to a gay bar.  
  
Raiden: You'd still be filthy rich! Why not just retire? Why are you still working?  
  
The screen returns to the downtown area where Raiden and Raven are talking.  
  
Raiden: Why a gay bar?  
  
Raven: Sudden surge of bouncers in female strip clubs.  
  
Raiden: You know, I'd never thought of that.  
  
Raven: Too bad there aren't any more clubs hiring, except for this one.  
  
Raiden: About that. . . you don't mind if I try for a job in there, do ya?  
  
Raven: No man, go ahead. I will be watching you, understand?  
  
Raiden: And by the way, can I ask a favor from you?  
  
Raven: ?  
  
Raiden: Don't tell Snake about the whole replacing thing. He kinda shot me in the leg the last time someone mentioned it. And I think he put all those Claymores around my bed. . . Oh well. See ya.  
  
After Raiden enters the bar, he looks back and sees a massive cloud of blood and ravens where Raven used to be.  
  
Raven: Ouch! Gaah! Get offa me! Oh my God, not the eyes, not the eyes! WAAAAGH!  
  
When the birds depart, there is nothing left of Raven. Raiden shrugs and continues on into the bar. Sure enough, every queer and homosexual is there, watching a male stripper go through his routine of flexing his glutes and swinging his penis to and fro. Despite what Snake and friends say about him, this is very disturbing for Raiden. Shaking his head, he walks around until he sees a familiar figure making out with another man.  
  
Raiden: Still tickin', huh?  
  
Vamp: Unfortunately, hell had no vacancies. . .  
  
Raiden: (confused) What?  
  
Vamp: Yeah, Satan throws the best parties and I WASN'T INVITED!  
  
Vamp throws the man down. Upon closer examination, it turns out to be the Marine commandant, Scott Dolph.  
  
Dolph: Ow, what was that for?  
  
Vamp: Sorry about that, babe. (to Raiden) Gotta keep my bitches in line, you know what I mean?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, yeah, now what was this about Satan's parties?  
  
Vamp: Well, you see, the so-called "Good Book" is full of crap. Yeah, God is good and all, but come on, Satan's bitches will do anything, and I mean anything!  
  
Raiden: Yeah? I think I know what you're talking about. Do they talk a lot about what day it is tomorrow and get in the way of something important by blabbing on about past moments with you?  
  
Vamp: Uh. . . no. What hell are you talking about?  
  
Dolph: Private Vamp, report to the commandant's quarters, ASAP!  
  
Vamp: Yeah, right. (looks seductively at Raiden) Sorry kid, but I gotta go pack some fudge, clean some pipes-  
  
Raiden: (disgusted) Yeah, geez, ok, just point me to the manager, will ya?  
  
Vamp: Ok, you see that neon sign that says "Big Fatty Erection Store"? (points at sign) Find the back door in there and you'll find him.  
  
Raiden: (looks funny) Hee hee. . .  
  
Vamp: What's so funny?  
  
Raiden: You said "back door."  
  
Vamp: (thinking) Oh yeah. . . Ha ha ha! You should get going! Come on, Scott, let's go see if our favorite video room is empty. (smacks Raiden on the ass)  
  
Raiden: What the. . .  
  
Raiden looks around, but Vamp and the commandant are gone. Without further hesitation, Raiden makes his way to the manager's room. 


	6. The Interview

Chapter 6  
  
Raiden walks into the manager's room. Posters of famous celebrities penises, such as Ron Jeremy, and the almighty Dirk Diggler, lay spread across the walls. There is a large oak desk in front of Raiden. Moans can be heard behind the chair, whose back is facing Raiden. He approaches the desk.  
  
Raiden: Uh, excuse me. . . I'm here to apply for the job in the paper.  
  
???: So you've finally come.  
  
??? #2: How'd you guess?  
  
Raiden: (annoyed) Hey, I'm right here!  
  
??? #1: Whoops, sorry! So, YOU'VE finally come.  
  
Raiden: If you mean "I'm present," then yeah, I'm-aagh!  
  
In less than a blink of an eye, Former President Johnson erupts from the chair (not that erupts!) and grabs hold of Raiden's crotch. A man with a gas mask wearing a Marilyn Manson-type suit reveals himself from behind the desk.  
  
Johnson: You're. . . a man?  
  
Raiden: Of course I'm a man, numbnuts. (sarcastically) Now as much as I enjoy being fondled by old men. . . WOULD YOU PLEASE RELEASE THE PACKAGE?!?  
  
Johnson: Waitwaitwaitwait, jus' gimme a sec.  
  
Mantis: Uh, Mr. Johnson, really, he's here on business.  
  
Johnson: Quiet, you faggoty-looking bastard! Aren't you supposed to be in jail for ejaculating on Mickey Mouse or some other such crude act? (plays with Raiden's penis some more)  
  
Raiden: All right, that's enough! (punches Johnson in abdomen)  
  
Johnson: *cough cough* But that doesn't make any sense. Look at this picture of you here. (flips through issue 160 of Electronic Gaming Monthly) How do you explain this?!? (stops on MGS2 DVD page, points to picture)  
  
Raiden: Give me that! (looks) Eep. . . It can't be. . .  
  
Raiden sees the picture of his crotch. The most notable part of any man is nowhere to be seen in the picture.  
  
Raiden: Why?!? It's not fair. . . (sobbing uncontrollably) KOJIMA!! WHERE'S MY COCK 'N BALLS???  
  
Mantis: They're right where you left them.  
  
Raiden: Huh? You mean under my pillow?  
  
Johnson: No, right here! (grabs Raiden again)  
  
Guard: Huh huh huh, wish I had that.  
  
Mantis: That's it! Even I have my limits!  
  
Mantis uses his psychic powers to make President Johnson's head triple in size before finally exploding. No, not that head.  
  
Raiden: Thanks, Mantis! I didn't think he'd ever let go.  
  
Mantis: He wouldn't, not without destroying him. His mental shielding is too strong. For years, I've been nothing more than a good S&M buddy to him. NO MORE!  
  
Raiden: Uh. . . ok, so do I get the job or what?  
  
Mantis: Consider your sexy ass hired. (shakes hands with Raiden) You saw what the guy out there was doing?  
  
Raiden: Wait, don't tell me. . .  
  
Mantis: That right, you're next! 


End file.
